Messin' with Red
by KillforKlondike
Summary: Red Alert had arrived on earth and he's beginning to get on some nerves. Surprisingly, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe have the answer to this problem. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"


Okay, so I just walked out my front door and all of a sudden a plot bunny jumped me. I kid you not, I _ran _into my room just so I could quick jot this down. And here it is.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own crap. Except for the idea. That would happen to be mine.

* * *

It was known throughout the base that Ironhide, Ratchet, and Prowl shared a severe dislike of the twins.

It was also well known that there was absolutely no restraint shown to anyone on base as far as who was okay to prank and who wasn't.

But when another Autobot had arrived on earth, the sparks of many rose and fell in feelings of welcome and wishing the fragger would disappear.

Red Alert, a security wiz, had finally found his way to earth. Unfortunately, he was a little…overzealous when it came to his job.

Anything that came close to the base at any time, no matter who it was, there had to be at least twenty or so minutes taken out of their time so Red could go through every little thing brought in.

Prime, who had beforehand told everyone to tolerate this, was soon getting pretty pissed himself.

Which leads us to the setting at hand, where Ratchet, Ironhide, and Prowl were actually…rooting for the Twins when it came to pranking Red Alert?

"Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, I'm only going to let you two do this _once._ And if Prime asks, we had nothing to do with this." Prowl said as the two Lamborghinis in question were practically bouncing in their seats.

Ratchet leaned in and nudged Sideswipe a little. "Don't send him too far overboard though, alright? Just do enough that he'll shut up for a bit. That dirty fragger has been on my aft about all the stuff passing in for my med bay. How exactly am I supposed to fix his aft after battle if I don't have any supplies to work with?"

Sideswipe, totally oblivious to the 'don't' part, was already scheming in his devious little processors.

Ironhide, who had already had his little 'talk' with them, had made himself fairly clear. He didn't care how they did it, he didn't care where they did it, but if they were going to do this, they better scare the slag out of the mech.

Primus be with Red Alert.

* * *

"They're out there. I just know there out there, trying to get in here." Red Alert mumbled to himself as he checked, double checked, and then checked everything once again just to be sure that nothing was getting past him.

The monitors that he'd been watching for most if not all day had shown nothing out of the usual for the most part, except for the occasional appearance of a shady looking Sunstreaker and Sideswipe. Thankfully though, those appearances had been far and few between.

* * *

"Okay, I rigged everything to go off at set times. All you gotta do Sunny is enter the trigger codes."

"I'm glad I get to do it…but _why_ are you letting me do it?"

"Because Sunny, Red Alert is gonna go ballistic when the slag hits the fan, and I don't wanna be the one he fries."

"Oh thanks, bro. I really appreciate that I can help by taking your bullets for you."

"You're welcome, bro."

"Little smart aft."

"Narcissistic dumb aft."

* * *

Red Alert was standing behind the main command prompt for his sector when Sunstreaker surreptitiously entered the room. Though not surreptitiously enough. But then again very little actually did get past big Red.

"What are you doing here Sunstreaker? You're supposed to be on guard duty." Red Alert's optics narrowed as conspiracy theories began to form in his processors.

"I'm just here to ask you a question Red Alert." Sunstreaker fained interest in the console he was leaning on, but really he was putting in the prep codes for his voice activated line.

"And what do you need to know?" the paranoid mech asked as he scrutinized the large yellow bot.

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" The first line of his trigger had been entered. Now he just had to hope that Red Alert put up with him long enough to enter the second.

"What? How are they supposed to be connected?" Now fully suspicious of the warrior, Red Alert was about to let out a full blown interrogation when Sunny cut him off.

"Have you guessed the riddle yet?"

Red Alert shook his head in the negative. "What is it?"

Hesitating and inching towards the door, Sunstreaker prepared the final line. "I haven't the slightest idea."

With that he hauled aft out the door.

Instantly, the entire energy source for the security throughout was cut, the monitors and other electronics in the surveillance room went out.

This, as Sideswipe had guessed, sent Red into conniptions of a sort never known to mankind beforehand.

* * *

Sunstreaker pulled up next to his brother outside where the red mech was now reconnecting wires to suit his purpose.

"So how'd he take the riddle?" he asked without looking at his sibling.

"I'm going to have to say he wasn't impressed. Or at least that's the short version of what he was screeching when I ran."

"Then he's gonna _love_ the next part."

* * *

Locked up in his own sector. Red Alert wasn't sure if he'd ever been this embarrassed, angry, and confused in his entire existence.

He'd tried everything from trying to reboot the system, to manually checking wires and hard drives, to basically slamming himself against the door. Nothing had worked.

And it was all that traitor Sunstreaker's fault, and more than likely his brother had turned with him. He had always suspected them! He'd said before that they were from the deepest pits of hell, but no-oo, he was always told they were on our side.

Our side my aft! As soon as he got out of here he was going to hunt them down and slap a pair of stasis cuffs on both of them.

As he finished that thought the lights and computers turned back on, however when he tried to access the systems or try the door neither would respond.

Oh slag, now they were messing with him.

The main monitor suddenly switched from showing the rec. room to a music video of 'Can't Touch This' and the lights turned on and off with the beat.

Red Alert could feel his processors heating and frying as well as his right optic twitching madly.

* * *

For five _hours_ the monitor had gone from one bad music video to another, sometimes switching it up with random appearance of 'Pimp My Ride' and old cartoons.

Red Alert was curled up in the far corner of the room when he heard a click.

A lovely click. A divine click. It was the familiar click he always heard whenever the door opened.

He jumped to his peds and almost glomped the person opening the door…until he saw who it was standing in the doorway.

There stood Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, grinning somewhat manically.

And that was all Red Alert could process before Sideswipe rushed him from the side and hit him upside the helm with a…trash compactor?

* * *

The next morning, after several bots had noticed that the top security officer was missing, Red Alert found himself in a rather…interesting location.

He was super glued to the top of the radar tower. Upside-down. With a humungous pink feather boa around his neck and red glitter covering his feet.

Upon further investigation, he wasn't the only one to notice.

Many, many, many bots were standing at the base of the building, looking up and pointing at the spectacle.

Red Alert could do nothing but glare, curse, and charge them with conspiracies that really only must've made sense in his head.

Ratchet was mad, but had to admit that for a while afterwards Red was very quiet. Though now that he was silent most of the time, it made him look even more cracked out.

Oh well. Can't have your energon goodie and eat it too.

Prowl also wasn't all that impressed, but glad that he wasn't getting any complaints about non-existent conspiracies at least twenty times a day.

Ironhide was downright cheerful for weeks afterward.

His grin scared pretty much everybody into avoiding him.

* * *

Not that anyone cares, but it is now a little past four in the morning and I have yet to sleep becuase I'm hyped up on sweet tea. And not that fake crap either. I'm talkin' about the stuff you get when you dump half (or all depending on your sweet tooth) of the sugar container into a glass of tea. Now that is orgasmic.


End file.
